Vamptanic
by Find Me
Summary: It's Vamptanic, the equivilant to Titanic + Buffy! You know you'll love this..
1. ~The Players~

1 Vamptanic  
  
The Players  
  
Buffy-Petunia Creek  
  
Riley-Pathetic Bob the guy who dies  
  
Angel-Petunia's mean fiance who's always losing his stupid soul  
  
Xander- The builder of the ship who is obsessed with all things large.  
  
Giles-Petunia's mother. Er, father. FATHER! *gets hit by large book*  
  
Spike- the guy who doesn't die  
  
Anya- the detective (what's the matter with a little grrl power? YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?)  
  
Cordelia-Mary Cookie, an outstanding character onboard who is like a mother figure to Petunia. *Cordelia rolls her eyes*  
  
Tara and Willow- The captain of the ship  
  
Oz- Everyone else 


	2. Vamptanic boards

VAMPTANIC  
  
Old, ancient Buffy/Petunia (Petunia) wheels herself into the game hall at the retirement home. As most old ladies usually do, she starts talking to herself and telling her story to nobody…  
  
Buffy/Petunia: They called it the ship of dreams.. and it was, it really was.  
  
Buffy/Petunia dies.  
  
Director comes on-set waving his hands around and yelling at her. She comes back to life and hits him with her purse because he has once again brought her back from heaven. He reminds her that she has a contract and she goes on with the show.  
  
Buffy/Petunia: FINE. Theycalledittheshipofdreamsandohitwasitreallyreallywas.  
  
*Fades to a magnificent boat, prepared for it's maiden voyage, and on the side of the boat the name of it is sprawled out in elegant letters written in blood: VAMPTANIC*  
  
A young Buffy/Petunia and Angel are getting out of their expensive silver Porsche as OZ runs up; he is one of the attendants.  
  
OZ: May I help you with your bags, sir?  
  
Angel: Hm, yes. But there are too many for you to carry… Oh, boy!  
  
Oz runs back and forward, he is also now the second steward.  
  
Angel: Very good, you two may carry our bags.  
  
Buffy/Petunia: Oh, Angel, you're so manly!  
  
Angel: I know.  
  
Buffy/Petunia and Angel try to board the ship with Oz (playing steward 1 and 2) tries to follow them, but he misses his step and falls into the sea, hitting his head on the boat. Buffy/Petunia and Angel do not notice.  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
BOB/RILEY is acting cool and tough playing cards on land with other Oz-es. Every time someone needs to make a move he jumps to the next chair.  
  
Bob/Riley: Haha, I am cool and tough and smarter then you.  
  
Oz (annoyed that now he not only has to play cards for everyone, he must actually talk to Riley): Smarter then WHO?  
  
Bob/Riley: No one in particular. Just everyone.  
  
Oz: I see. (Oz, now confused as to what character he is playing, makes a bad move in the game and accidentally loses)  
  
Oz: Oh my, what have I done. *rolls eyes*  
  
Bob/Riley: HaHA! I win! I win! (Bob/Riley starts to do a strange dance)  
  
Oz: You'd better catch the boat now.  
  
Bob/Riley: Why?  
  
Oz: I think you won a ticket or something.  
  
Bob/Riley: Ok!  
  
Oz: WAIT!  
  
Bob/Riley: What?  
  
Oz: You're supposed to say something witty and cool that mocks your opponents before you leave.  
  
Bob/Riley: Um.. ok! Nanny nanny boo-boo! I beat you!  
  
Oz (rolls his eyes again): Good one.  
  
(Bob/Riley runs to the boat and jumps on, thus looking all cool, but then we see that he has wires attached to him.)  
  
Bob/Riley: HA HA! I'm on top of the..boat.  
  
Petunia/Buffy/Petunia sees him, and since she did not notice the wires, he seems to be cool. She bats her eyelashes, but then we see that they are fake and they fall off.  
  
Buffy/Petunia: Is it time for my nude scene yet?  
  
Behind-the-scenes man: No.  
  
Bob/Riley/: Yes! 


	3. Porn and Petunia..

1 Vamptanic  
  
Part 2  
  
Bob/Riley winks at Buffy/Petunia, and she laughs at his pathetic attempt to be cool. Angel decides to be suddenly evil and pulls out a tennis racket and hits Buffy/Petunia repeatedly. When they both recover, he apologizes and hides the weapon and Buffy/Petunia gets up and forgives him again. He then has to go a hundred years without going evil again before he can retrieve his soul. Or something like that.  
  
Later, we see Bob/Riley sketching in an artistic nature on deck. Oz realizes he must be a curious passenger and runs to his position, then casually strolls down the deck until he reaches Bob/Riley.  
  
Oz: I say, what are you drawing there?  
  
Bob/Riley: Pictures. I'm an artist. Would you like to see my work?  
  
Oz: Indeed!  
  
Bob/Riley gives his pictures to Oz and he looks at them disgustedly.  
  
Oz: This looks like porn!  
  
Bob/Riley: Well, it is porn. But not only do guys pay big money for it, all the girls think it's something brilliant and artistic.  
  
Oz: I see. You're very brilliant.  
  
Bob/Riley: I am brilliant, handsome and cool.  
  
Oz: Good for you.  
  
Oz looks at the script and realizes he must be Bob/Riley's Italian friend and runs to get his accordion.  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
The captain of the ship (Tara/Captain and Willow/Captain), the builder of the ship (Xander), Buffy/Petunia, Angel, and Mary/Cordelia Cookie (Cordelia) are all sitting around drinking tea.  
  
Mary Cookie/Cordelia: ..And so then I beat the shit out of him.  
  
Buffy/Petunia: I could've done it ten times better then you, bitch.  
  
Angel becomes suddenly evil again and draws from behind his chair a surfboard and hits Buffy/Petunia with it repeatedly. He looses his soul again and Buffy/Petunia forgives him. Spike says something cool. Buffy/Petunia throws herself at him and they have sex on the table.  
  
  
  
Mary/Cordelia: Well, that was rude, Miss Creek.  
  
Buffy/Petunia: I'm sorry, I'm just very modern. I believe that everyone should obey his or her emotions and feelings, thus making me all neat and unaccepted by everyone. *starts to cry* Why?! Why can't I do what IIIII WANNNT?! WAHHHH!  
  
Buffy/Petunia throws a fit. Angel starts to hit Mary/Cordelia with a ridiculously large sandwich. Oz, as a waiter, serves Xander a hotdog with mustard, thus causing XANDER to throw a fit because the 'hot dog' is far too small for someone of his stature. Oz suggests that perhaps his obsession with big things means he is confiscating for something, and Xander attacks him.  
  
GILES enters the scene in a green dress, and tells Buffy/Petunia to behave. Angel sees him and rips the large dictionary from his hands and begins hitting OZ repeatedly. Willow/Captain and Tara/Captain have crawled under the table to hide and are now passionately making out and ripping each other's clothes off when they remember that they are both one person and it'd be pretty gross to have sex with themselves, thus making the captain a pretty sick guy. Spike sits in his chair and pouts. The director runs on the scene waving his arms wildly and we fade to black. 


	4. Pink toenails

1 A/n: I know the beginning wasn't all that funny, but I may modify it later. I just couldn't think of anything.  
  
2  
  
3  
  
4 Vamptanic  
  
Part 3  
  
  
  
Buffy/Petunia: Oh, what a stupid ship!  
  
Oz has now joined Bob/Riley, and is trying to play the accordion.  
  
Bob/Riley: Oh, my, who is that daring beauty? She's almost as good looking and cool as me!  
  
Oz: (in Italian accent) You don't want to be getting involved with other rich passengers, now, let me offer you some advice-  
  
Bob/Riley doesn't want to hear this line, thus, he hits Oz with his large portfolio and Oz falls from the boat.  
  
Buffy/Petunia is bored and hops up on the railings of the ship. She is playing a balancing game.  
  
Bob/Riley: Hello. You must now try to commit suicide or slip, so I can save you to appear all brilliant and cool.  
  
Buffy/Petunia laughs at him, but as she does so, Oz reaches up from the side of the boat and holds to her ankle for dear life, causing her to slip.  
  
Buffy/Petunia: Help me! Help me!  
  
Bob/Riley, frantic, since he had no plan whatsoever to save her, grabs a lifesaver and hits Buffy/Petunia upside the head. This time she falls on top of Oz, causing him to fall as well, and they topple into the sea. Bob/Riley ponders how to cover up the murder until he sees that Buffy is climbing up the boat. She has only just made it to the top when Angel, out of nowhere, approaches with a plastic birdbath and begins to hit Bob/Riley with it repeatedly.  
  
Buffy/Petunia: YES! YES! KILL HIM NOW!  
  
Bob/Riley: No! Don't kill Bob! Don't kill Bob!  
  
Angel realizes he has lost his soul again, and goes away.  
  
Buffy/Petunia goes insane, since she must have a boyfriend.  
  
Xander: I will be your big boyfriend!  
  
Buffy/Petunia: Oh, wonderful!  
  
Suddenly Xander is struck by a wrecking ball and is obliterated.  
  
Buffy/Petunia: No more men left!  
  
Bob/Riley: What about me?  
  
Buffy/Petunia: You're not a man! Oh, well, I guess I'll just be a lesbian, then.  
  
She kisses Bob/Riley, then makes a face. It leaves a really bad taste in her mouth, so she runs into the nearest room, the captain's room, for a breath freshener. The captains are bleaching their mustaches and waxing their legs. Bob/Riley runs after Buffy/Petunia but is distracted by this.  
  
Bob/Riley: Can I join you?  
  
Suddenly, Giles runs in a new blue dress and starts to sing in a Celine Dion-type voice.  
  
Giles: Neeearrrrrr farrrr… whereEVER you are… I believe that my body functions go onnnnnnn…  
  
Buffy/Petunia: My mother has flipped.  
  
Bob/Riley: Oh! Pink nail polish!  
  
Tara Willow/captains: Let's have a 'Gay Pride Captain Day'!  
  
Director: That's what I want! We must all be politically correct!  
  
He magically turns Oz into an African-American with Native American roots. He also puts him in a wheelchair.  
  
Buffy/Petunia: Aren't we getting off the subject?  
  
Angel enters and begins hitting her repeatedly with an electronic keyboard.  
  
Meanwhile, Spike looks out his window portal thingy and begins to type on his typewriter. Suddenly the color goes all funny and we have to strain our eyes to see.  
  
(Typing)  
  
This story is about truth, freedom, beauty, and above all, love. The woman that I loved.. is.. dead.  
  
(Ceases typing)  
  
A little midget jumps out and suddenly the room gets all twirly and sickening.  
  
Wait, wrong movie. 


End file.
